Alt Fest cancelled after organisers “forgot to book venue”

In news that is certain to disappoint alternative music fans in the UK and abroad, the organisers behind the UK’s largest alternative music festival have announced the event’s cancellation – after discovering they had forgotten to book the venue.

Due to be held in August at Boughton Estate in Kettering, Northamptonshire, Alt Fest was billed as “the largest outdoor alternative festival ever staged”. More than 45,000 bands and performers were booked for the 200-day event, playing across 97 different stages.

According to the organisers, everything was running smoothly until an intern working at the Alt Fest office discovered that the venue had not been booked.

“Sometimes, it’s the things that are most obvious that are the easiest to get wrong,” said Alt Fest organiser P. I. Staker.

“We booked the bands, organised travel and accommodation, and even raised £61,762 on Kickstarter just to pay for all of Thomas Rainer from Nachtmahr’s uniforms. Unfortunately, due to a misunderstanding, we inadvertently forgot to book the venue. My booking agent said “don’t forget to book the stage”. I thought he said “don’t forget to cook the sage”.

“Naturally, with less than a month to go before the event kicks off, we immediately phoned the venue to try and sort it out. That’s when we found out that Robbie Williams had booked the place for the next two years.”

According to a statement from Williams’ agent, the pop artist offered to “perform some of that alternative music” at his shows.

“Forgetting to book the venue? We’ve all done it, so I totally understand where these guys are coming from,” said the statement, quoting Williams.

“So when I heard about the mixup I offered to do a couple of songs from the artists that wouldn’t be playing. I might play pop music but I’m still an open-minded sort of guy. So I started listening to some of the artists on YouTube and I actually liked what I heard.

“I really liked that Dani Filth guy’s voice. And that Belgian Suicide Commando orchestra, they were cool too. I was just about to call the organisers and tell them that I’d be happy to perform a couple of those ‘alternative’ numbers when I heard some of that Faderhead music.

“That’s when I thought, no way, this music is waaay too poppy for a Robbie Williams show. I sympathise with the organisers, I really do, but I just can’t see myself playing music that sounds this poppy. My fans might think I’ve gone soft.”

Visit www.alt-fest.com for more information.

This article is satirical. It is entirely fictitious. With the utmost sympathy to the fans, bands, and the organisers, it sucks if it falls over. Here's genuinely hoping it gets sorted.

Nachtmahr joins Faderhead, VAC and Psyclon 9 industrial supergroup

Four of the EBM / industrial / aggrotech scene’s best known performers have decided to form an industrial supergroup after they stumbled across a satirical article on the internet that claimed they were forming an industrial supergroup.

The group’s formation appears to have its roots in a satirical story published in August 2013 titled Faderhead, Velvet Acid Christ and Psyclon Nine form supergroup. The story claimed the front-man behind each band — Sami Mark Yahya, Bryan Erickson and Nero Bellum respectively — had formed an electro-industrial supergroup called Misunderstood Industrial Artists (M.I.A.).

According to the article, the name reflected a common sentiment experienced by each artist over many years of being an industrial music artist. For example, Psyclon 9’s Nero Bellum told of the many years of painful misunderstanding that resulted from a botched chest tattoo.

“I’ve had my share of misunderstandings, just like Bryan and Fadey,” Bellum is quoted as saying in the fictitious article. “The “Ubermensch” tattoo on my chest is a perfect example. I asked the tattooist to write “Tumor Wrench” on my chest in those big black letters but he got it all wrong, so that’s how I ended up with this tattoo instead," he said.

The 'artwork' for the new 'album'.

Although the article clearly identified itself as being satirical, the idea has nonetheless been enthusiastically embraced by fans.

“It says that it is already out. Where can I listen to it? Spotify?” enquired one fan on the official Velvet Acid Christ Facebook page. “So the article says your cd is out now. Where can I find a digital copy” said another.

Indeed, so positive was the reception that it prompted Nachtmahr front-man Thomas Rainer to personally call Faderhead's Sami Mark Yahya.

“If ever there was a misunderstood industrial musician, it would have to be Thomas Rainer,” says Yahya.

“I was just there, hanging in a club, when I suddenly get this phone call from Thomas Rainer. He told me he wanted to join, but I was apprehensive at first because I wasn't sure if he knew what hanging with Faderhead was all about. But then he started to get really emotional and told me how Misunderstood Industrial Artists finally made him realise that he wasn't alone. That made me think. Maybe I can hang out with this guy?"
Rainer elaborates: “Fans may recall that my Nachtmahr Facebook page was taken down early this year. This was such a shock to me. How was I meant to know that my stage show and wardrobe were emulating this so-called ‘totalitarian’ aesthetic? People have so got the wrong idea about me. I’d never even heard of those ‘swastika’ things until after the account was closed. I mean, this symbol is banned in Austria so how would I possibly known what one looks like? Some people like camping and fishing and others like fast cars or motorbikes. Me? I just happen to like military uniforms and armbands. I don’t do it for attention, it’s just who I am and what I like. Especially if there are nekkid hot chicks involved and they’re like totally making out.”

Misunderstood… by Misunderstood Industrial Artists is out now.

Note: yes, it’s satirical