In news that is certain to disappoint alternative music fans in the UK and abroad, the organisers behind the UK’s largest alternative music festival have announced the event’s cancellation – after discovering they had forgotten to book the venue.
Due to be held in August at Boughton Estate in Kettering, Northamptonshire, Alt Fest was billed as “the largest outdoor alternative festival ever staged”. More than 45,000 bands and performers were booked for the 200-day event, playing across 97 different stages.
According to the organisers, everything was running smoothly until an intern working at the Alt Fest office discovered that the venue had not been booked.
“Sometimes, it’s the things that are most obvious that are the easiest to get wrong,” said Alt Fest organiser P. I. Staker.
“We booked the bands, organised travel and accommodation, and even raised £61,762 on Kickstarter just to pay for all of Thomas Rainer from Nachtmahr’s uniforms. Unfortunately, due to a misunderstanding, we inadvertently forgot to book the venue. My booking agent said “don’t forget to book the stage”. I thought he said “don’t forget to cook the sage”.
“Naturally, with less than a month to go before the event kicks off, we immediately phoned the venue to try and sort it out. That’s when we found out that Robbie Williams had booked the place for the next two years.”
According to a statement from Williams’ agent, the pop artist offered to “perform some of that alternative music” at his shows.
“Forgetting to book the venue? We’ve all done it, so I totally understand where these guys are coming from,” said the statement, quoting Williams.
“So when I heard about the mixup I offered to do a couple of songs from the artists that wouldn’t be playing. I might play pop music but I’m still an open-minded sort of guy. So I started listening to some of the artists on YouTube and I actually liked what I heard.
“I really liked that Dani Filth guy’s voice. And that Belgian Suicide Commando orchestra, they were cool too. I was just about to call the organisers and tell them that I’d be happy to perform a couple of those ‘alternative’ numbers when I heard some of that Faderhead music.
“That’s when I thought, no way, this music is waaay too poppy for a Robbie Williams show. I sympathise with the organisers, I really do, but I just can’t see myself playing music that sounds this poppy. My fans might think I’ve gone soft.”
Visit www.alt-fest.com for more information.
This article is satirical. It is entirely fictitious. With the utmost sympathy to the fans, bands, and the organisers, it sucks if it falls over. Here's genuinely hoping it gets sorted.