In news that is certain to disappoint alternative music fans
in the UK and abroad, the organisers behind the UK’s largest alternative music festival
have announced the event’s cancellation – after discovering they had forgotten
to book the venue.
Due to be held in August at Boughton Estate in Kettering,
Northamptonshire, Alt Fest was billed as “the largest outdoor alternative
festival ever staged”. More than 45,000 bands and performers were booked for
the 200-day event, playing across 97 different stages.
According to the organisers, everything was running smoothly
until an intern working at the Alt Fest office discovered that the venue had
not been booked.
“Sometimes, it’s the things that are most obvious that are
the easiest to get wrong,” said Alt Fest organiser P. I. Staker.
“We booked the bands, organised travel and accommodation,
and even raised £61,762 on Kickstarter just to pay for all of Thomas Rainer from
Nachtmahr’s uniforms. Unfortunately, due to a misunderstanding, we
inadvertently forgot to book the venue. My booking agent said “don’t forget to
book the stage”. I thought he said “don’t forget to cook the sage”.
“Naturally, with less than a month to go before the event
kicks off, we immediately phoned the venue to try and sort it out. That’s when
we found out that Robbie Williams had booked the place for the next two years.”
According to a statement from Williams’ agent, the pop
artist offered to “perform some of that alternative music” at his shows.
“Forgetting to book the venue? We’ve all done it, so I totally
understand where these guys are coming from,” said the statement, quoting
Williams.
“So when I heard about the mixup I offered to do a couple of
songs from the artists that wouldn’t be playing. I might play pop music but I’m
still an open-minded sort of guy. So I started listening to some of the artists
on YouTube and I actually liked what I heard.
“I really liked that Dani Filth guy’s voice. And that Belgian
Suicide Commando orchestra, they were cool too. I was just about to call the
organisers and tell them that I’d be happy to perform a couple of those ‘alternative’
numbers when I heard some of that Faderhead music.
“That’s when I thought, no way, this music is waaay too
poppy for a Robbie Williams show. I sympathise with the organisers, I really
do, but I just can’t see myself playing music that sounds this poppy. My fans
might think I’ve gone soft.”
This article is satirical. It is entirely fictitious. With
the utmost sympathy to the fans, bands, and the organisers, it sucks if it
falls over. Here's genuinely hoping it gets sorted.
